The heart is a funny thing

Hey world- this is a bit more of a sober post. It's about my Grampa- yes that is how I like to spell it! He is very very very tired! Poor man has been through so much! Too much! He is at home now with his wife, my NAN!! He has a hospital bed there for him and my nan sleeps in the den and does everything and then some for him. He is not ready to let go, and that is perfect because it is! I have never been through anything like this, it is really very emotional! I mean I say that and it's like... well YAH! Your grandfather is on his last legs, of course it's going to be emotional!

The weird thing is what I do to pretend it isn't emotional!! And I believe myself... I don't even know I am emotional. Not true... I have noticed that I have been really really tired, and not quite enjoying things that I usually really really enjoy... really really!!! It's totally protective and I very much understand that, it is just so fascinating to me what we convince ourselves of and believe! I think I understand that I am protecting myself so that I do not feel my pain. It's like if I let a little crack of pain in- everything will come tumbling down. Do any of you feel that way?! One of my really good friends told me that "feeling pain doesn't mean everything comes tumbling down. Because you have those that love you and will care for you and remind you of the god times!" Isn't that really lovely?! She is a gem!

I get really defensive, I guess I don't like to be vulnerable... or only on my watch! Which is really silly and funny at the same time! I mean can one really plan being vulnerable? Oh-- I like that question! What is it to be vulnerable. Strength comes from vulnerability, but why do I avoid it so? It's an unnerving place to be for me. Anyways... those are my thoughts- see I can even feeling myself shutting off now. It's like I have a control button but only up to a certain point. Once I pass the point of no return, I can't control the button anymore. So instead of keep the option open that I might go past the point of no return that may have great benefits, I don't even let myself open that up. I shut it down before I even get a chance. Wow that is not smart!! So immature of me... strength! I have to remember I am strong and supported by the ENTIRE WORLD!! The whole universe is one big support system, if I let it be! So I just have to let it be- even if that means being a little vulnerable! Even if that means, I don't have it all figured out but I think that last little bit makes sense.

To world- I love you and I know you love me! Thanks for loving me back and giving me opportunities to trust you and believe and know that you support and love me too!!

Love & Respect!